How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
