Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
