hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
