I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
