She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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