awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
