remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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