she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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