I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
