Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
