i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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