Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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