if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We need to get me chipped asap
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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