apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
