Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
