I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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