The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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