Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
