I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I want her autograph on my taint
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
