currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
