a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
