Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
