I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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