actually, I'm a sock model
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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