I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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