She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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