I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
