Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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