hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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