I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
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Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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