not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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