we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
