Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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