Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
