Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize