is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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