If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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