how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
