I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
