Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
