she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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