I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
