what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
