my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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