rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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