when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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