Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
