What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
