My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
