i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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