So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
