i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
