I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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