the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
