New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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