So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
