I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
