so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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