got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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