Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
