my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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