Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
