sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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