The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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