Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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